I straightened my hair on wednesday, and went to Emerson's concert on thursday night with mom.

It was unbelievablly awful. especially during the concert later our seats were all the way on the 4th floor on the sides.

we of course attended the pre-concert, and seated ourselves on the priviledged seats. however, the sound quality was quite disappointing immediately after they started playing.

Before going to the concert, i already got myself all familiar with the two pieces they were going to play, except for the last one, which was composed in 2006 and i had no way to find the recording for such new piece. It's the contemporary piece that people would call 'weird'. I was all surprised to hear my mom's positive comments about this contemporary piece. Thought i, maybe that's where i inherited the passion for music, at least, the will for trying to understand more.

During which they played the contemporary piece, some people made loud noise. It would not sound loud regularly, but since it was the concert hall, and the music is the kind that would halt at anytime, it was this situation that we could hear pin drops whenever there was a pause. Obviously those people's talking seemed rude, and definately had disrupted the concert. Later on, it turned out that due to the music's "weirdness", one grandpa seemed to be having some medical problems, and the grandma called out for help. It took them a good while to get out from the hall. But having this top-to-bottom view, i surely did see people's impatience for this 'unenjoyable' music.

But to me, even when being asked theoreticly about whether the rap, r&b (or rather pop melody with lyric, is what he meant) could be called music, my answer was yeah.

On the other hand, i appreciate the musicians tolerance over people's misunderstanding, and admire their persistence on the passion for music.

Overall, i couldn't call it an enjoyable experience at all, and i even felt sorry for bringing my mom over, for, on the way back, we both felt very very sleepy.

*Disappointment had nothing to do with musicians, knowing, for sure that they could do far better.  

 

And i thought about music, my attitude toward it. It's not true that i can never get enough of music.

And even today on my way back from work, i saw musicians performing in the subway, i admired them. i felt ashamed of myself again. but really, can i afford this kind of life? afford in a long term? everything, energy, the responsibility for people around you, condition? it's not realistic. and thinking about the jazz sax player we saw last night in the subway, yes, his music calmed people down, flow kind of feeling that we dont meet often outside. It's 对比度浓厚的, 超俗的. ...there might be more that i want to say but i want to stop here.

And i seriously thought about being a chaser after music. doing something that i actually 'like'. It doesn't seem all that negative.

but something always drags me back.

 

Boredeness at the office makes me frustrated again these days. and my weak ability to communicate with people frustrates me even more.

seems like i am trying different things. "on my way". but the more i get on my way, the more i become scared whether this is right for me. whether once if i realize i'm wrong, it'll take me more effort to get back on track and start all over again. Or maybe i will stay on this track, but for my whole life? Am i really sure? Is this really what you wanted?

 

Being on this track only makes me more confused.