Grandpa J had another random talk with me while i was at work before the July 4th weekend started. He came over to my desk, and asked me about, in his words, "thing that I said you should be" -a doctor. I forgot what i said to him, but wanted to throw some words that might sound thoughtful, but i did not. Instead, i reserved the talk. It must've made him think i was an unhappy child, at least not as happy as i looked outside. (He often tells me, 'you are lovely', 'you look beautiful', 'you always give this refreshing feeling'.. To me, those were more of many comforts. My attitude toward those conpliments, are just like the ones i had toward some serious people's compliment for my piano. Not madness at their, to me, supposingly unhonest talk. It's about the unblief in myself. Thus, another thing i figured, about myself.) He told me we can't live without hope. I became speechless, but deep inside my heart i struggled to let him know, yes i agree so much with you. Hope, is the thing that has kept me so far. Hope is what i have found when feeling hopeless. He said next weekend we should do tennis, and have a talk about it. Before his leaving, he said, he wanted to know me in here -then pointing in my head.

I was picturing myself describing my pain, to a grandpa who has all experienced all such, maybe. Not neccesarily pain as in body, because he is semi pro in tennis, but some other pain in life. And i doubt, are they still worth being addressed?

Anyway. I look forward to that. And hope, i can find my questions, so i could leave everything behind, to look for these answers.