۰•● The Journey Of The Feather

最近心怡, 也总免不了为一些事伤神. 

但也已经很好很好. 

对事还是过于认真. 

很倔强, 很多事情证实了勇气. 

结果其实不那么重要. 

但是感恩这再一次的机会, 一种莫名的力量支称着我. 

喜欢十, 十一月的天空. 

"昨夜星光灿烂, 内心的绽放不为别人."

 

After the office hour with my Women's study professor, we started talking about my major -Geology. She asked what it was like to study Geology. I told her what we have been doing in our labs lately, and how frustrating it gets to be recently. I also told her how I have kept on trying different and unrelated things with the packed schedule and overloaded works which are often out my handle. As of the question of hers of where I would be going after college, I addressed some of my concern. Her attitude as someone in her 30s and someone who studies philosophy is positive.

 

It always can get frustrating when one gets up to a certain level in every profession. From her experience and studying, she understands that people in their 20s tend to rush and want to get to somewhere quickly. The conclusion is, not until they are in their 30s will they realize how much time they once had in their 20s. It is okay to take time. It is important to be sure. It is never too late to change. The suggestion is, try hard and be patient. Even if one changes one’s mind after the completion of the master degree, it will still certainly not be the end of the world. Keep trying, feeling lost, pondering and struggling –which will all become the process that bridges 20s and 30s, after which things still may or may not converge. Bottom line, make it worth.

 

The condition is quite different now, that I am able to see for myself, plan for it, and put in action, and gradually get better result.

The important thing for me is that I think I have found the source of the energy -I have found what that directs, though not direction itself. 

 

A young lady in my geo class enjoys being lost in direction while driving. She loves to listen to the audio book in her car, wonder what have just happened in the audio book, and then totally miss the Exit and get lost and strive to find her way back. What a process. And that's what that counts -she learned about the island.

 

Practiced the piano in TAC for over 4 hours straight yesterday. I really wondered, was it the first time that I did it for this semester? I don't remember when I went there last time. Sur le fil was completely back to me all of a sudden, after two years. It is always amazing to me how music just comes back to me that way. Fingers do have memories. Or, the deeper mind was reminded of the familiar, the original, the pristine. TAC was alive again to me. Coming out from TAC, people were dancing, playing guitar, singing with such great vocal voice. It was magical.

 

Had another great meeting with my supervisor today, and it just makes me further determined.

I really hope it lasts.

 

Evenly distributed yet? 

 

Love what I am doing, love being where I am.

加油啊 

很高兴大家与我一同成长

不管距离有多遥远生活多么不一样

让我们一同面对所有的困难

互相帮助与友爱 

我是幸福的

你们也是

无论怎样试图安然地居住在安全的泡沫里

仍然不免有一天亲身面对更大的世界. 

一些事让我感觉我永远都无法适应. 

一些苦与痛, 也只能够倒流进自己的心底. 

原来长大是意味着无数个无奈. 

不是疑问减少了, 而是疑问被生活的更多事情淹没了. 

我还是有疑问. 还是不知道要何去何从. 

一点小小的挫折就会让我对自己走的路开始有所怀疑. 

一个小小的别人的故事插曲也会改变对自己未来的看法. 

就算快要倒下, 也要继续向前. 

那属于我的羽毛, 会有一天飘进我的世界. 

这只是个过程. 加油.

希望自己以后不要这么冲动了. 

无论如何, 任何发生了的事情都成为自己成长的一部分.

自己人生路途中的一个脚印. 

I was expecting a lot to happen in the year of 2008. True, a lot have happened. I've lost a lot, gained a lot too. It widens my eyes, makes me aware of things I could not have had other wise.

In the journey of my own, to be continued.

No matter which kind of love, as we still live, appreciate it.

 

My teacher lastly performed Brahms' piano and clarinet sonata, Op. 120 in the recital. It was breathtaking from the very beginning, and I was convinced instantly that I'd heard the piece somewhere long ago.

 

I realized, i need to be reminded about certain things, so.. even if it does not do anything particularly good, it is still very much needed.

looking out of the window

was it the snow that just fell

it was but another falling leaf

 

looking forward to the snow

waiting for winter's arrival

close the eyes

 

feel the snow fall on you freely

listen to it

hold up your hands

 

embrace

十月末了. 最适宜的月份就要完结, 接下来是最喜爱的季节, 冬季的到来.

Folk music 能安人心神, 将人带到远方的另一头.

 

Junior 这学期除了有很多阅读外, 总的来说是大学以来最清静的一学期.

没有overloading学分, 没有打工, 没有...

放慢节奏, 谨慎向前.

我终于找到了我的方向, 理由.

 

很感谢10/3的学校的一个聚会.

说它是巧合, 但却不是偶然.

之后相关的很多事, 相继给予了我生活一个转变.

转变还在继续进行着. 有着我的full realization.  

谢谢Mrs. Yang寄给我的两本书.

它让我认识继<赖声川的创意学>里所推崇的向内引索, 到<标竿人生>的向灵引索.

很受启发.

 

昨天去了近学校的Veteran Home钢琴义务演出.

从头到尾完全不感觉到紧张, 这很有别于在朋友面前弹奏.

按理, 应该是反过来才对.

过后感觉很满足, 很高兴自己做的事情能够给大家带来不一样的欢乐.

 

ps. 08果然不是简单的一年.

大家一起关注吧.

跟计划相冲的事情总会发生, 但这么不巧甚至让人极其恼火的事情还是终于发生了在自己身上.

这两周连续放了许多犹太人的假期, 人也开始变得懒散起来. 下星期地质学考期末, 今天待会儿还有作业交.

直到昨天, 也可以说是现在, 一切担忧都不可以被放下的. 但是昨天和L去MALL里逛了. 两个人都买了很多东西. 在路上, L看着几个眼明人一看就知是高中生的几个小女生, 接着骄傲地说, "提着一个包的是高中生; 像我们这样的(她指指)是大学生." 有同感.

 

后来她到我寝室, 两个人试图着做功课. 当时是晚上9点过了. 就像往常一样, 总是同样结局收场. 功课没怎么碰, 话说了一大堆. 到什么程度呢, 就是我们普通状态下一般就可以保持的hyper状态, 一贯性的.

所以等L走了我又一个人试图着弄功课, 直到半夜2点过. 闹钟放在早上5:30. 当一天超人是不难的.

于是事情就在第二天早上发生了.

 

这时候在想, 要是没有早上洗澡的习惯, 也许事情不会发生. 其实不然啊. 这是一件典型会发生在缺少睡眠, 早上5点当头脑处于不清醒状态中的人会做的事情.

当我要揪水龙头的时候发现了没钥匙, 当时还不怎么敢相信. 只有全副撤退. 走在路上看见远方有人走过, 也就是待会儿的救命人了.

RA(管层楼的人)不在寝室, 于是只能打电话. 而我既没手机门又锁了没有座机, 于是想起了刚刚那为女生, 至少知道她是醒着的, 就不用惊醒其他人. 其实也试着敲了RA旁边的门, 没人.

学校给的电话打了, 都没人听. 也难怪, 5:30也只有怪人会起来再把自己锁在外面..

后来只能给学校警察打. 他们把电话转到RHA, 才得救的. 他们问到我住哪里, 然后派人来帮我开门.

 

等的中途, 站在寝室门外, 自己的闹钟又响了.. 没想到这房子这么不隔音, 整层楼都可以听到的.

放的是CASSIE 的IS IT U.

自己觉得很好笑.

万分感谢帮助了我的人..

 

我会经常来这里了.

很多稀奇古怪的事.  一周过去了, 见到不少朋友. 有过感觉就是, 走的走, 离的离, 散的散.

开学的第一天已经感觉到疲惫, 这短短第一周更是让人觉得学期遥遥无期, 因为对这个地方太熟悉, 人与事也是反返复复.

 

三年级了, 终于有了属于自己的单人房. 不仅可以在任何时间做任何想做的事, 还多了自由. 很是喜欢.

 

昨天, 是特殊的一天. 转折点. 谢谢L的陪伴.

所以任它狂风暴雨(是真的狂风暴雨), 最后两个人也可以边聊着天, 各自静静入睡. 没有太多胡思乱想. 所以慢慢平静.

多亏L.

 

当被问到, 一切是否都好? 其实很想说一切并不好.

受了措, 淋了雨, 走在路上鞋子坏掉所以就这么单脚穿鞋到L那里 -那时L在的地方是shelter, 雨还不停地下一直到很晚, 当我们准备离开时终于另一只鞋也坏掉.

还被照了相永久纪念. 真是难堪的一幕. 不会忘记.

还好我们都享受了练习钢琴, 并且享受了聊天, 并且最后叫来了学校警车服务送我们回寝室.

不想想太多.

我们接着聊着. 聊到很晚. L的车就在外面, 但最后终于决定sleep over.

 

越是和一个人一起经历的越多, 就越肯定/牢固了彼此情谊.

 

今天是新的一天.

明天也会是.

I straightened my hair on wednesday, and went to Emerson's concert on thursday night with mom.

It was unbelievablly awful. especially during the concert later our seats were all the way on the 4th floor on the sides.

we of course attended the pre-concert, and seated ourselves on the priviledged seats. however, the sound quality was quite disappointing immediately after they started playing.

Before going to the concert, i already got myself all familiar with the two pieces they were going to play, except for the last one, which was composed in 2006 and i had no way to find the recording for such new piece. It's the contemporary piece that people would call 'weird'. I was all surprised to hear my mom's positive comments about this contemporary piece. Thought i, maybe that's where i inherited the passion for music, at least, the will for trying to understand more.

During which they played the contemporary piece, some people made loud noise. It would not sound loud regularly, but since it was the concert hall, and the music is the kind that would halt at anytime, it was this situation that we could hear pin drops whenever there was a pause. Obviously those people's talking seemed rude, and definately had disrupted the concert. Later on, it turned out that due to the music's "weirdness", one grandpa seemed to be having some medical problems, and the grandma called out for help. It took them a good while to get out from the hall. But having this top-to-bottom view, i surely did see people's impatience for this 'unenjoyable' music.

But to me, even when being asked theoreticly about whether the rap, r&b (or rather pop melody with lyric, is what he meant) could be called music, my answer was yeah.

On the other hand, i appreciate the musicians tolerance over people's misunderstanding, and admire their persistence on the passion for music.

Overall, i couldn't call it an enjoyable experience at all, and i even felt sorry for bringing my mom over, for, on the way back, we both felt very very sleepy.

*Disappointment had nothing to do with musicians, knowing, for sure that they could do far better.  

 

And i thought about music, my attitude toward it. It's not true that i can never get enough of music.

And even today on my way back from work, i saw musicians performing in the subway, i admired them. i felt ashamed of myself again. but really, can i afford this kind of life? afford in a long term? everything, energy, the responsibility for people around you, condition? it's not realistic. and thinking about the jazz sax player we saw last night in the subway, yes, his music calmed people down, flow kind of feeling that we dont meet often outside. It's 对比度浓厚的, 超俗的. ...there might be more that i want to say but i want to stop here.

And i seriously thought about being a chaser after music. doing something that i actually 'like'. It doesn't seem all that negative.

but something always drags me back.

 

Boredeness at the office makes me frustrated again these days. and my weak ability to communicate with people frustrates me even more.

seems like i am trying different things. "on my way". but the more i get on my way, the more i become scared whether this is right for me. whether once if i realize i'm wrong, it'll take me more effort to get back on track and start all over again. Or maybe i will stay on this track, but for my whole life? Am i really sure? Is this really what you wanted?

 

Being on this track only makes me more confused.

Grandpa J had another random talk with me while i was at work before the July 4th weekend started. He came over to my desk, and asked me about, in his words, "thing that I said you should be" -a doctor. I forgot what i said to him, but wanted to throw some words that might sound thoughtful, but i did not. Instead, i reserved the talk. It must've made him think i was an unhappy child, at least not as happy as i looked outside. (He often tells me, 'you are lovely', 'you look beautiful', 'you always give this refreshing feeling'.. To me, those were more of many comforts. My attitude toward those conpliments, are just like the ones i had toward some serious people's compliment for my piano. Not madness at their, to me, supposingly unhonest talk. It's about the unblief in myself. Thus, another thing i figured, about myself.) He told me we can't live without hope. I became speechless, but deep inside my heart i struggled to let him know, yes i agree so much with you. Hope, is the thing that has kept me so far. Hope is what i have found when feeling hopeless. He said next weekend we should do tennis, and have a talk about it. Before his leaving, he said, he wanted to know me in here -then pointing in my head.

I was picturing myself describing my pain, to a grandpa who has all experienced all such, maybe. Not neccesarily pain as in body, because he is semi pro in tennis, but some other pain in life. And i doubt, are they still worth being addressed?

Anyway. I look forward to that. And hope, i can find my questions, so i could leave everything behind, to look for these answers.

After one morning of work, lunch break today started a little later, at 1pm.

On the way walking out from the floor, I met grandpa J, who was on his way to the cafe to read book.

 

He showed me the cover of the book in his hands. something -'ashes'

In the elevator he asked.

"Do you like history?"

"Hmmm..." seconds later. "Can't believe it took me so long to answer this questions.. If as a History subject in school, nope."

"How about history of the history."

*noded & smiled* "That's why i like geology."

"What else subjects do you like in school?"

"Hmm, right now in college, piano, geology.."

"What is your major right now?"

...

..

"You know what i think you should be studying?"

*stared at the old grandpa* for an answer

"BIOLOGY!"

(I thought, nice shoot, righit on the target. but team B gets credit, not us) "Oh, i've had enough about AP Bio in high school. And have decided not to take it again in college."

(regardlessly) "You should be a doctor!"

"Doctor..... I can be anything, except for a doctor."

"Why? You have to know you are better than that. Because i see people. I know you care, and you are very loyal. Why can't you be a doctor?"

"Well," ... "if i am already a patient, how can i be a doctor?"

He seemed confused at a sudden. "I do not get it." then he asked a question, which i think he meant to ask for the reason of my saying. But i didnt tell him, there is no reason, only fact.

 

I find it extremly hard to accept people's flatter, or compliment. 

This time i'm not worried. But it's definitely hard to reach out with all those reserved feelings.

I then think, maybe a career that suits me is to be able to do something on my own.

 

After lunch I headed to the Guitar center as usual. This time, another guy came to 'challenge' my playing, knowing... i don't go there for any challenge. He did so by sitting straightly next to a piano from me, asking me "are you ready?"

At the beginning, vaguely i wasn't really getting it. but i was sure he was confident.

Me stared at him, for an answer. He asked again, amusedly, which then amused me.

So i said, 'yeah' as a response. Then started him playing pop songs, most of which sounded quite familiar to me.

In an unfamiliar key though. I was trying out on my keyboard. He said he only played in A or G...

I admired his playing. Then played something which excited him a lot.

We exchanged number when i had to leave for work. I doubt we will ever call each other. But still glad, always glad about this mutual thing i find in music.

There are always people out there who are able to get it.

 

And today's work, quite frustrating.

放假良久才写这么一篇关于假期的BLOG

假期再不允许我有其他计划, 因为放假后一星期就开始实习, 要到8月底.

这星期是工作第三周了, 几乎每天都做不同的事物. 周围的同事都非常友好.

在这一公司实习一事, 从很多方面大大小小对我有些改影响. 

小, 逛街现在注意的都全是dressy clothing. 大, 到academic plan, etc

进行式.

 

平时最想做的就是钢琴, 要在家花时间认真识谱, 然后可以尽情地去Steinway 练习.

再就是和朋友聚聚, 聊天, 网球

在家多数是音乐, 弹也好, 听也好

然后随便翻翻

While i was in subway station waiting to transfer to another train, a flown sound caught my attention. It was a Chinese man, with a pair of sunglasses, playing saxophone in subway. What's different from all other Chinese who played in subway is, instead of the tranditional Erhu or flute, he played saxophone. I started to move toward the spot. A lady seeing me looking toward the man while waiting on the side, boldly just started to tell me she liked the way he played the saxophone. I agreed.

 

I wanted to let the musician know how we appreciated his music. The way i showed my intention was to take out money. Obviously by doing this is no means to humiliate one's talent by defining its value in quatity, or anything measurable. Especially for music.

As the train came, i walked over and put them in box in front of him, and told him in Chinese that he did really great. He stopped playing just to say thank you. Then, i got on my train, and left. He kept playing.

 

Then i went to Steinway Hall. It was wonderful experience, from 12-2pm. After the piano, i was to meet a friend at 3pm.

 

Like the way i came, i would be gone the same way. I took train again, but instead of going back home, i went to another station to meet my friend. Surprise! about 4 hours after, i saw the saxophone man in another station, my destination. And we both recognized each other. This time, he wasn't wearing sunglasses. We nodded and smiled to each other, i was still walking at the time and thought it was interesting. When i almost couldn't see him, He called me back, and gave me a CD with the songs he played. This time, i said thank you. We shook hands.

 

I'm not sure why i put this here.

But life can be full of surprises. It's okay to sometimes view the world through flawless innocent glasses.

It touches.

Due to some reason, this blog is going to be in english, again.

Not much frustration, emotions are replaced gradually by the overwhelmth, what's left over might be some sentimentality.

 

What kind of job is not repetitive?

No job is too interesting; nothing is too easy.

You ve got some pushes!

Finding out yourself is great; finding yourself to be completed with one another is forture.

Real life everything has to be measured accordingly. don't e surprised.

Pray.

What is loneliness? When knowing your friends are out there and they about you.

What kind of pain at what time can we not bear?

When things change it is okay to let go.

Everything is really a process, pain or sun, dont you want to stop it.

Surprises in life. just take it! Good luck

Tiresomeness is just temporal

What could be more important? I'm glad i did it.

Hmmm i'm wrong again. But how can i be right if what i want isn't true at first place?

What matters the most

Freeze

Close enough to i, it's fear. Things that are more than just pain.

After all, pain will be gone, works will pay off.

Life, always unpredictible, good or bad.

At the time when you're happiest or most energetic, do much as you can. Same for life.

Stop being miserable.

As long as you try and don't give up

Want something real. What i can feel.

Oh definate a place for you to stay.

Bone from egg? You check yourself on that too.

Be greatful. Things could be worse.

A reason can be simple.

The world isn't changing but following its own path, it's just that you're not catching up.

Take your time but no rushin because you want to make sure in the end it's something you truly want and worth all that for.

There's always something worth waiting for.

Love makes all the difference, and the reasn life is all that meaningful.

Look for your own world? Not quite easy.

After all even if you didnt get it it's fine cuz it's all about having tried.

4/28 Recital

5/6 Piano Jury

5/7 从Undergraduate director 收到简短奇怪的Email*

5/8 早上接到internship的第二个电话, 夏天有的忙了.

      下午见到Undergraduate director, 确定Email里的内容.

 

只能说, 最近又突然很走运.

All the works that have been done, paid off.

 

"Everything is really a process, pain or sun, don't you want to stop it."